Divesting From Dysfunction

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Yesterday was my wedding anniversary. What should have been a day of celebration was met with silence. I made the decision two months ago to not move forward with my marriage. I understand that some of you may be thinking about the blog post that I wrote in February where I elaborated on my ongoing treatment of depression as well as my therapy sessions for my marriage. Things had been going great but then old habits re-emerged and that was my queue to exit.

In a nutshell, there was a turning point in my marriage where I was the only person willing to continue to do the work. I had non-negotiable and concise conditions with which I needed to be met in order for him and I to move forward. Ten to be exact. He could not do 8 out of 10 or 4 out of 10. All ten had to be done and consistently with no backsliding in order for us to stay married. No half- assed attempts just to win me back. This wasn’t about our egos. It was about creating a brand new relationship based on love and respect.

Our family dynamics were complete opposites. I grew up with two parents who cultivated our dreams and hopes even though they weren’t perfect and he grew up- well how do I put this delicately? My husband grew up around people who weren’t from the same stock. Let’s just leave it at that. It’s not a slight. It is what it is. That dysfunction entered our union seemingly at ever turn and he continued to allow it though his actions or better said- inaction. Whether I remained silent or protested loudly, we’d be great for awhile and then it would turn to shit again. That was our pattern. I thought his decision to go to counseling would have changed this cycle. It didn’t. And this is where we are. No hard feelings and no beef. I know what I need and what I don’t.

I’ve always had my Daddy and Stepfather to be my sources of strength so I hadn’t made it a requirement for my partner. Now they’re gone physically; I needed my husband to be present in a way he never had been. That’s a huge ask. It may not have seemed fair to have that expectation but I figured, through counseling, we’d get there. Alas, we’re here.

If you come from these types of families, it spills over into your marriage, your friendships, your life goals, your parenting. If you don’t work on yourself, you will remain dysfunctional. The remonstrance of dysfunction is an act of defiance. It requires a certain mindset to be able to disassociate yourself from the toxic people who are impeding you from living your best life. It’s certainly not an easy decision. You have to make yourself and the people who have your best interest at heart a priority.

Dysfunction is a parasite which consumes everything and everyone in its path. Although “normal” is relative. When you’re in the thick of it, things seem normal until you encounter people who are appalled by your experiences. The shame of their shock can cause you to withdraw from them. This is where you have to look inward and push through.

When you are the other side of the coin, you will have to make some tough decisions. Intuitively, you’ll want to stay and fight for the person you love. You’ll want to save them. But at what cost? Your sanity? Staying in this type of situation is abusive. Yes, ABUSIVE. It eats away at your self-worth and makes you second-guess what once was logical. Dysfunction eludes common sense and you can spend precious time trying to disentangle yourself from the constant chaos it causes. It will deplete you of ambition, achieving goals, being truly loved in a fulfilling, spiritual way and living your best life. If you really want to be free, therapy will help you learn the steps to that freedom. Make the choice to take your life back in every way. Disengage from the dysfunction by cutting it off that root. And that may mean leaving the person you love with your soul. You will grieve the loss of that person but you will have room for someone better to come into your life. A whole and complete person. You deserve it. Remember, you are the key to controlling your happiness.

Here’s to living our best lives!

*Besos*

Originally published at Negra With Tumbao.